


Bork Me To The Moon

by Kikithehousemoose



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, Harm to Animals, pre-THB, sort of???????? hes really really really scared but no one hurts him, unresolved conflict in the sense that I couldnt write a resolution well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-27
Updated: 2017-03-27
Packaged: 2018-10-11 21:00:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10474323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kikithehousemoose/pseuds/Kikithehousemoose
Summary: The real reason as to why there are No Dogs On The Moon.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Back at it again with The Adventure Zone. I had this idea on the way to class and it was too funny not to write. Apologies if this situation doesn't seem funny to you, I promise in the canon of this fic it got resolved and pupper got to stay.

When Tread was offered a job at a new branch of Fantasy Costco and he couldn’t understand most of the application form, he knew he was getting into some pretty weird stuff that he might not be coming back from. Still, he was too weak and nervous to become an adventurer, and hadn’t managed to developed any craft of his own, and he  _ really  _ needed this job security. If this secret-location Costco was as important as it sounded, then there would probably be few things that would get him fired, and that was all that mattered, in the end. It wasn’t like he had much to give up anyway, moving to wherever it was they wanted him. He had no family that acknowledged him and hadn’t had much luck in sexual partners either (apparently no romance was a turnoff for a lot of people--who knew?). What he did have, though, was a dog. And though he desperately needed this job, he had to make sure he was going to be able to bring Fantasy Snapple with him. 

The request had gone all the way up to The Director, apparently, since there was no hard set rule on animals (besides magically conjured food-bearing animals). Seeing no real problem with it, especially if it was just going to stay in the dorm most of the time, Fantasy Snapple’s presence was approved, and everything was set in motion for Tread’s arrival at his new super-secret place of employment.

Expectedly, he had a hard time adjusting at first. Turns out, his new place of employment was located on th _ e second moon that wasn’t even real holy shit, how had no one gotten up here to investigate this yet, everything he knew was a lie _ , he and everyone else in the world had somehow managed to forget an entire society-shattering war over items of power that were now inexplicably lost to rogue wizards and evil liches, and his new boss was a warlock serving the dark eldritch god of Good Deals, which would have been funny had the warlock himself not been so… violatingly strange. Work here was going to be interesting, to say the least, and above all Tread was just glad that Snapple was adjusting better than he was. Yorkshire Terrier/Poodle mixes were apparently all the rage with girls, too, so he’d already made some friends around the base just by going on a walk with his excited little buddy.

 

While also cute, Fantasy Snapple was smart. He knew how to charm, where to poop for the best results, and eventually, how to get the door to the dorm open while his owner was away at work. He just missed his buddy Tread  _ soooooo much _ and took it upon himself to go find him and make sure he was okay and play and get some rubbings or something. He knew exactly where Tread was, too; he was over that way. So Snapple went over that way, sniffing and panting all the while, little head turning to look at big tall things he absolutely did not understand. 

Sometimes some people made a really high noise and he ran over to them, jumping up on their big tall legs and smiling as they reached down to pet him. That made him very excited, and there were a lot of scents that he had to check out because it was very important he check out those scents, yes. He was going in a circle after a while and was not finding Tread, but it was okay because the circle was big and there were so many things and he had to. Pee. . . And people made high noises and picked him up and he loved it and one had a STICK!!! Stick stick stick stick stick and they threw the STICK RUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUN NEEDSTICK GOTSTICK GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO RUNBACKRUNBACKRUNBACK and he dropped it and their feet and started running again in anticipation, turning to look back at them were they going to Throw?????????? ???????????? maybe they were not going to throw the STICK STICK STICK STICK GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO OH no---

 

Shiloh gasped in horror as she saw the dog running towards where she threw the stick. He was close, but they’d cleaned recently, and that one particular area was still incredibly wet. She stuck a hand out and started dashing forward to stop him, but it was too late; the dog slid down the loooong wet patch, desperately trying to run back towards the stick, only to get caught in one of the open gravity vents. 

The cry of terror choked itself in her throat as she watched this poor little dog shoot up into the air, getting caught in the artificial orbit of the fake moon. 

Predictably, the dog let out a high-pitched howl of a scream as it flew over the campus, turning about uncontrollably as it struggled to get out of the orbit. Shiloh covered her eyes as he went back into another vent, hoping that there would be someone in maintenance down there to catch him before he was shot back up, but another approaching cry warned her there was no such luck. She sucked a breath through her teeth as she cracked her eyes open to, surely enough, see the trembling pupper shot back out again, soaring through the sky overhead. Shaking a little herself, she turned and ran to get the Director.

 

“--no such luck. I have a feeling Leeman is getting close, he’s been communicating--”    
“MADAME DIRECTOR”    
Lucretia looked up from where she’d been on her Stone of Farspeech, frowning and telling whoever was on the other line she’d have to call them back, cutting off their noises of protest.  
“What is it, Shiloh?”  
Shiloh cringed again, picturing the dog’s cry in her mind. “There’s something you’ve really gotta see.”

 

She saw nothing when the employee lead her outside and she sighed. “Shiloh, what is it you want me to--”  
“Just wait, please,” begged the half-elf, holding up a hand and looking at the edge of campus expectantly. The Director, slightly curious, humored her, and followed her eyes to the entrance to the maintenance area.  
“I don’t--” her reply was cut short by the sudden arrival of the small dog she’d allowed here, screaming and obviously trapped in the relentless false orbit of their moon’s gravity. Her mouth fell agape as she watched this poor creature be tossed through the sky above like a squeaking frisbee, panicking for as long as he could be seen before falling into the chute on the other side of campus to inevitably be spit back out again. Shiloh covered her mouth and Lucretia blinked.

“O-oh my god.”    
“Yeah.” “Oh my god.”   
“S-should we tell Tread?”  
“Goodness, no. If we deal with this quickly enough he won’t have to get involved in this. I’ll… I’ll go tell Davenport to send some men down to maintenance and close up the chutes before he can pop back out again. There might be a way to do this without shutting down gravity for the whole facility.”    
“Okay, I hope so. I’ll stay right here and let you know when he’s about to fall back down.”    
“Good.” With that, she trekked back into her office, stressed out about an event she could have never imagined.

 

By the time the heist was set up, the rumor of Tread’s dog flying through the air had spread across the base and there was a fairly sizeable crowd watching the poor creature soar through the air, their faces a mix of awe and horror. Humorously, Johan began to play an aria on his violin, which made people laugh even if they didn’t find it funny at all. Shiloh’s stone lit up and the Director informed her that everyone was in position. Tread, who had been called by his coworkers on break, stood in front of the crowd, looking up at his beloved pet with tears in his eyes and a dismayed expression on his face. 

“Okay, Director, he’s about to come your way. 5. 4. 3. 2. Now!”

On cue, Fantasy Snapple fell into the chute, and though neither of them closed, there was a slight shift in everyone’s weight that told them another valve had been opened in an attempt to re-balance the orbit.

What they didn’t know was that the new hire had opened the wrong valve.    
Just as quickly as Snapple was sucked in he was ricocheted back out, flying up and towards the direction of the pod bay. It just so happened that new recruit Killian was returning from a mission and the aperture at the center of the moon was still open from her being let it. 

As it were, the new hire rolled a 2. Avi rolled a critical failure for perception.

 

Fantasy Snapple rolled a natural 20 for his acrobatics check.

 

He shot out from the valve on the ceiling of the pod bay area, falling directly into a spare child-sized helmet they’d been experimenting with that had been left laying around. Finally out of the harsh grasp of the orbit, Snapple got up on wobbly legs and ran with no sense of orientation or smell to let him know where he was going. He lept off of the platform, jumped onto the top of Killian’s ship just as it flew in, and launched himself out of the center of the closing aperture, effectively freeing himself from gravity entirely. 

Avi’s jaw dropped and everyone’s line went silent as they saw a small spec floating off away from their base, too shocked to move as it wandered through the space outside. Tread was the first to speak. 

 

“WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. JUST HAPPENED TO MY DOG.” 

 

Needless to say, the situation took a great deal of time to resolve. 

 

 

 

~~~   ~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~    ~~~

 

“Madame Director.”    
  
“Hm?” she looked up from the papers she had been reading, having as always to restrain any extra emotion on her face at the sight of Magnus. 

“Why are there no dogs on the moon?”

She sighed a little, though she was amused by his persistence. “You know why.”

“But why  _ really?” _

He didn’t believe her. For a second she considered telling him the truth, explaining the horrible event that happened that had lead to a remodeling of the gravity system of the entire base, but it was easier to lie to them, and probably for the better of everyone.

  
“I’m allergic.” 

**Author's Note:**

> I know it said Fantasy Snapple was a Yorkie/Poodle mix, but if you want Snapple to be The Dog Of Wisdom then he is absolutely The Dog Of Wisdom.
> 
> Also wow try to spot the shameless self-insert. Hmu on @lichbarry, @marguerite-baker (both tumblr) or on the Discord as kikithehousemoose.
> 
> (Also also in case it wasn't clear Tread is def aro. He's also a tiefling who totally didn't have that virtue name because the writer is also a fan of TAZ: Nights and wanted something similar. No way)


End file.
